I've grown weary over the past couple months. I would have never imagined someone could feel such conflicting emotions constantly. My brain, I feel is starting to resemble a stress ball. The one's from the 90's, do you remember? It was basically two overlapping balloons filled with sand. It's likely that someone wasn't watching their kid, and said kid bit into the ball and nearly choked on sand. Now stress balls aren't what they used to be.
But I digress. In short....brain feels like balloons filled with sand.
Just yesterday I was excited at the prospect of an adventure. Moving to London with my little family and starting a new. And then today, around 7:58 this morning it all came crashing down again. This happens, the ups and the downs. After dropping Sunny at school, we stopped at Walgreen's to pick up some photos. I've neglected scrapbooking and I'm very behind. Before where I would have gingerly picked it up and admonished myself for my laziness, now I am struck with terror.
Terror of looking at the photos of these memories and happy times and wondering who will be in our photos if we leave. Who will be at the small and sad birthday parties we'll have for the kids in London. Certainly not the large, loud group in our current photos. I don't want to look at the photos, let alone scrapbook them, for fear that there may never be another trip to the Apple Orchard. Or no more trips to see Thomas the train. And it makes me angry. And scared.
So..right, driving through town. Our drive back home was quick, less than 5 minutes. But in that 5 minutes I looked around. Saw the memories at different places. The one that broke me was driving down a street we always walk for Halloween. We have a 'route' we typically take each year. My sister in law and her fiance are around the corner. My inlaws around another corner. It's nice, family should be close, especially when small children are involved.
We have history here. Years of it. I gave up 16 years in one place to make history here. And that might be taken away too. I feel like I can't ever voice my misgivings. I feel like since I'm not the one with the job opportunity of a lifetime that I don't get a voice. I know better, logically, and Mekius has included me every step of the way. It's other people that I'm worried about. I've tried voicing my misgivings before and they always smile and tell me what a great opportunity it is, and how it will be good for us. I don't know if this is a platitude or if they mean it. But what if it isn't great. What if we get there and we hate it. Then what? We can't just turn around and come back. There won't be anything to come back to. No job, no house, no cars. Has anyone but me thought of that?
I'm scared to let that whisper out. The one that sometimes says 'I don't know if I want to go.' Because then I'll be judged. I feel like I'm judged enough, and I just don't want anymore to deal with.
So if you see me, just remember next time you tell me 'it'll be an adventure,' that on the inside I'm just a wibbly mess of terrible that is about to fall apart and that I am TERRIFIED. Maybe just hug me instead, yeah?
Fluffimama out <3